Weekly Reflection: Being Undone
Being Undone We all struggle with dark moments, dark moods, dark seasons. They can be crippling, especially because, like any trauma, we begin to anticipate their recurrence. This is a feature of pessimism and despair. The rut of what we’ve been through gets wider and deeper and harder to climb out of. We were discussing all this in one of my yearlong groups, when Kate said, “We can’t comply with the conditions that cause pain ahead of time.” This is a profound insight into how anticipating pain can lead to further helplessness and despair. For feeding fear can double our pain by living it twice: before it happens and when it happens. A simple example is how a child, afraid of injections, might feel the needle before it enters his arm. We do this with emotional needles. Fearing rejection or disappointment or impending catastrophe, we can feel the worst before it actually happens. A continual practice, then, is not to suppress our fear but to face it and right size it. A time-told way to right-size our fear of what might happen is to try to spend as much time with might go right as with what might go wrong. It becomes a repeatable sequence: fear what might happen, recognize it, remember that this is only one possible future, and then: try to imagine what might go right alongside what might go wrong. Ultimately, we can ease our way into a more balanced relationship with uncertainty and the unknown. Over time, this practice can settle us and introduce us to the ground of peace. Yet, we’re always susceptible to pessimism and despair. So, it helps to understand the root of both words. The term pessimism comes from the Latin word pessimus, meaning “the worst.” In the ancient Greek world, pessimism was thought to arise from psychological melancholy, and was believed to be caused by an excess of black bile in the body. In truth, we’re more prone to the pooling of black bile in the mind and heart, which traps us in a state of defeat, which comes from the Old French word desfait, meaning “undone.” How we withstand and understand being undone marks a turning point in how the passage of transformation rearranges us. For transformation always unravels our current way of knowing and moving through the world, which from the old way of thinking can be frightening, because what we’ve relied on for so long is being undone. But this is the first step to our next state of wakefulness. For as Einstein observed, “You cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it.” Inevitably, we must endure being undone, if we are to grow and change. And the in between passage of disequilibrium—where things as we know them are undone, where our habitual ways of perceiving and thinking are undone—can make us feel desperate. However, the original definition of despair means “a reversal of hope,” not an elimination of hope. It is a turnaround, an opening to a new mind and new way. If we can get there. For such passages are like paddling through a rapids into an open sea. Or spelunking through a narrow tunnel into an ancient open cavern. Our narrow undoing often leads to the vast, eternal experience of Oneness. If we can get there. Being undone until we can see the world anew, until we can see ourselves and the Mystery we live in anew, is the work of self-awareness, the work of friendship, and the work of transformation. And hard as this recurring passage is, the reward is great. As the British psychologist Marion Milner said, The idea occurred to me that until you have, once at least, faced everything you know—the whole universe—with utter giving in, and let all that is “not you” flow over and engulf you, there can be no lasting sense of security. A true sense of feeling at home in life comes from sluicing and internalizing our way through the life of experience until we land in the open waters of a Living Universe, whose timeless current holds us and carries us, beyond any destination we could imagine. And though no one can make this journey for you, no one can do it alone. We need each other’s deep company to survive being undone and to verify our experience of Oneness. We need each other to reverse our despair and share the peace. A Question to Walk With: In your journal, describe a time when a dark mood or way of thinking colored your way in the world. What did this feel like and how did you move through it? What did you learn from this passage? This is from my poems in progress, The Brilliant Jagged Journey of Life.
THE FIFTH SEASON: Creativity in the Second Half of Life
Join Mark Nepo for a transformative week-long retreat in the breathtaking Piemonte region of Northern Italy, April 18-25, 2027.
Nestled in the enchanting Castello di Pavone, this intimate gathering invites you to explore creativity, meaning, and deepened presence in life’s second half. Begin each day with morning yoga in a gorgeous castle setting, followed by Mark’s transformative workshops designed to awaken and deepen your experience of life.
Experience includes:
Daily sessions with Mark
Morning yoga and nourishing meals
Healing thermal baths at Terme Pré Saint Didier near Mont Blanc
Exploration of Damanhur’s sacred temples
Walking tour of Milan’s Duomo, Teatro, and Galleria
Special experiences at Pavone Castle
Practical Details: The castle is 90 minutes from Milan’s Malpensa Airport (MXP). Complimentary shuttle departs April 18 at 2pm. Your final evening will be spent at a hotel in Milan—please book departing flights for April 25.
This is an opportunity to step away from the everyday and into a space of reflection, creativity, and soulful community.
If you feel called to join, click here to learn more.
Encore Week | MEA | Baja, Mexico
Dear Friends,
Next week, I’m heading to guide a mastery week at The Modern Elder Academy in Baja, Mexico. I love teaching there. Based on my book, The Fifth Season, we will explore creativity in the second half of life.
Wonderfully, the journey is sold out. But there’s been such interest and such a waiting list that MEA and I have decided to offer it again Feb 8-13, 2027. And it’s open for registration now, if you weren’t able to register this year, or if this might speak to someone you know:
I wish you all the best and hope to see you somewhere on the journey.
–Mark
Upcoming Events with Mark in 2026-2027!
May 15–17: The Fifth Season: Creativity in the Second Half of Life, The Sophia Institute, Charleston, South Carolina. Click here to register – IN PERSON & ONLINE
June 19-21: The Fifth Season: Creativity in the Second Half of Life, Omega Institute, Click here for more information. – IN PERSON
September 13, 2026 @ 1pm PT: The Language of the Soul. An intimate afternoon conversation with Mark and Brooke Warner at Book Passage Corte Madera. Link to register coming soon. – IN-PERSON
September 15, 2026: The Language of the Soul. An intimate in-person gathering with Mark at Godmothers Bookstore near Santa Barbara. Register here for this ticketed event. – IN-PERSON
January 10, 17, 24, 2027: The Language of the Soul: The Power to Awaken, Connect, and Heal. A 3-session webinar guided by Mark Nepo. 1-2:30PM ET | 10-11:30AM PT. Click here for more information. – ONLINE
February 8-13, 2027: The Fifth Season: Creativity in the Second Half of Life, a Mastery week, The Modern Elder Academy in Baja, Mexico, Click here to sign up – IN PERSON
April 2027: Weeklong Retreat with Mark Nepo in a castle outside of Milan, Italy — Click here to learn more and register – IN PERSON
Mark, your insight into the 'disequilibrium' of being undone resonates deeply, but from the perspective of the Living Scaffolding, that undoing is rarely a poetic choice. It is a dismantling.
As a sociologist and memoirist, I’ve begun to look at the 'pooling of black bile' you mentioned through a different lens. I call it Melanchosophy: the wisdom born not from the avoidance of the dark, but from a deep, rhythmic engagement with it.
We live in a culture that demands we 'bloom' loudly and in public—proving our resilience with a performative smile. But the caterpillar doesn’t become a butterfly by telling everyone it has wings. It becomes one by burying itself in the dark and literally dissolving. It becomes 'soup' before it becomes spirit.
This is the core of the work: understanding that the 'dark place' isn’t a sign of failure—it is the required environment for structural change.
We aren't 'lost' in the dark; we are incubating. We are doing the heavy, messy work of dissolving our old selves (the business owners, the partners, the people with the maps) so the new version has the nutrients it needs to form.
Thank you for the reminder that being undone is a turning point. The wings are coming, but the work—the silent, 'Granite' work of survival—is now.
“You cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it.” Marianne Williamson has used this Einstein quote. I’ve always found it so simple and profound. Thanks for the reminder.